I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.'

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Any given censor is a fool. The very fact that he is a censor indicates that.

Pleasure in the job puts perfection in the work.

When sorrows surround you few will comfort you. When happiness arises many will be part of the celebrationsAnd when Tragedy happens only the Lord is a prayer by calling out his Glorious name

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

God wants worshipers before workers; indeed the only acceptable workers are those who have learned the lost art of worship.

All morons hate it when you call them a moron.

There is nothing more enticing, disenchanting, and enslaving than the life at sea.

If you print money like in Zimbabwe... the purchasing power of money goes down, and the standards of living go down, and eventually, you have a civil war.

I think the great livers, the people who are fully self-actualizing and alive, are the great givers.

The signals we give-yes or no, or maybe-/should be clear/the darkness around us is deep.