I think looks do matter on television.

I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos.

I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point?

Those flowers were picked by illegal immigrants. And they're not voting for you, b*tch.

Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. I'm not. Last year I got a call: "Happy Hanukkah." I said "Ma, I'm not Jewish."

Madeleine Albright, when you see her, she's not a beautiful woman and she's getting older. But you're saying that woman has gravitas. She knows what she's talking about.

I want to do an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe...

I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

Republican Party hasn't been black friendly over the many centuries in this country.

Comedians usually are rooting for the underdog. I mean to take a shot at an underdog I think is really stupid and low and not funny.

What happens is fact, not truth. Truth is what we think about what happens.

You've got a lot to say for the one who walked away.

It's starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you're in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened.

I would much rather live a life of purpose than one in which I might have other things but not that.

Climate change is part of the normal order of things, and we know it was happening before humans came.

It costs more to doe ill then to doe well. [It costs more to do ill than to do well.]

From SpongeBob to Finding Nemo ... I'm still trying to decide which one I like more.

I think it's safe to say that the entire abortion industry is based on a lie.... I am dedicated to spending the rest of my life undoing the law that bears my name.

Reality, like God and History, tends to direct people to wherever they want to go.

Thus the expert in battle moves the enemy, and is not moved by him.