I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

The preface? Why would he waste time with the preface? Skip the preface and move on to the meat of the thing!

We admit that we will never reach our ideal in this life, a distinctive the church claims that most other human institutions try to deny.

The most valuable possession you can own is an open heart. The most powerful weapon you can be is an instrument of peace.

The scripture is God's plan on how we are to live our lives here and what we are to do to have eternal life.

Because on some level, even though it never turns out to be true, and even though I should know better, I still expect life to be like the movies.

Nature, like Maimonides said, is mainly a good place to throw beer cans on Sunday afternoons.

I mean, you can't have advertising be the only official business of the information economy if the information economy is going to take over.

Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become.

The standard of beauty is not definite. We define it.

Depression is when you think there's nothing to be done. Fortunately I always think there's something to be done.