I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Knock-offs may look good, but they never last as long as the real thing.

Do you have a dream or desire that is burning a hole in your soul? Something that lights your fire and brings you simple pleasure?

Lay a golden egg.After you built a nest, You wait for a leg.And you land next. Now you hope and pray.Expect for the best. Go on with no delay. Get it right at last.

I enjoy playing other people. It's a great job and it's challenging. I couldn't do a desk job.

There is so much going on all over the world that it's impossible for one person to keep up. And I can't.

The history of discovery is full of creative serendipity.

Don’t stay stuck on the people who’ve hurt you. Move on and let your future give you the better that you deserve.

On paper I would be a rather bold individual in our culture.

I had a good guitar, and I was a young, young kid.

It seems to me that the idea traditionally defended of endeavoring to maintain existing ethnic balances simply doesn't work any more.