I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

A good story is always more dazzling than a broken piece of truth.

God has prepared our victory for us, if only we will praise Him in all circumstances

We are not self-caused little gods.

In reality, we've had more spending, more bureaucracy, more waste and higher costs but without necessary reform nor rising productivity.

I wrapped that Monday and started on my third episode for Miss Match on Thursday of that same week and we just wrapped yesterday cause it was split over the holiday.

It seemed like there was no control over it. I think certain things just popped. God was blessing us in telling us that certain things were going the way they were supposed to go.

How frustrating it is to be out-argued by someone you know is dead wrong but is more eloquent.

Every book teaches a lesson, even if the lesson is only that one has chosen the wrong book.

The Bible, however, was not created to be amended and altered with each passing culture.

Oh brother we are not worthy!