I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.

Many contemporary critics of higher education similarly posit a Golden Age but no one knows when it was supposed to exist.

It took me quite a long time to develop a voice, and now that I have it, I am not going to be silent.

I've never been a fan of labels. I think its very easy to kind of look at somebody and just kind of throw a label on them 'They're crazy.'

Tell me I have to be somewhere, and I'll be there 20 minutes early and stay there longer than anybody else. You hold up a lot of people if you're not on time.

The sad truth is that societies that demand whistleblowers be martyrs often find themselves without either, and always when it matters the most.

Someone has said that life itself is a party: you join after it's started and you leave before it's finished.

The greatest escape I ever made was when I left Appleton, Wisconsin.

Lincoln said, 'With malice toward none, with charity to all.' Nowadays they say, 'Think the way I do or I'll bomb the daylights outta you.'

One word, in this place, respecting asparagus. The young shoots of this plant, boiled, are the most unexceptionable form of greens with which I am acquainted.