I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good place for you to be.

I think Helen of Troy must have been pretty hot. She got two countries going crazy for 10 years over her.

You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

I know nowadays the common wisdom is to celebrate diversity as long as you don't point out that people are different.

I'm just another guy who thinks he's smarter than he is, in a long line of them.

The ancient Greeks were the first ones to say an unexamined life is not worth living. They don't tell you of course what we found out, an examined life not that fascinating either.

The earth is a used Kleenex on the universe's nightstand.

Twitter is one of those dangerous toys that if it gets in the hands of the wrong person you'll have the mind of a 12-year-old masquerading as an adult.

So instead of talking about theoretical ways of ending the war and violence, I say that we have to get rid of the individual asholes in each office and situation.

People say history is boring, and that is true because people are boring. We haven't changed since time began. We're still the same.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

Don’t grieve when people fail to recognize your ability. Grieve for your lack of ability instead.

We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.

In the end, age in numbers is no more than an empty bag. The only way to truly tell a person's years is by examing the contents they have filled it with.

I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.

Lord Voldermort Has Risen Again.

Physicians are like kings- They brook no contradiction.

I've always loved children. When I was working with children as a librarian, I loved being with them and working around them.

An artist in 2014 who is thinking about album sales is either sadly deluded or has to make so many commercial compromises that it sort of takes the joy out of making music.

If something isn't special, then it's ordinary.

In my youth it was said that what was too silly to be said may be sung. In modern economics it may be put into mathematics.