I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

It is not God’s power that is lacking to accomplish the redemption of nations

Love is the most beautiful flower in the garden of life.

The Argument from Intimidation is a confession of intellectual impotence.

The Russians have a lot at stake, and the power of Moscow pride should never be underestimated.

The concept of loyalty is distorted when it is understood to mean blind acceptance. It is correctly interpreted when it is assumed to cover honest criticism.

There is no such thing as no choice. There is always a choice. The only question is whether it's a bearable one.

The automatic mind of the patient, the lowest level of subconsciousness which controls the etheric double, is manipulated and is the vehicle of the healing.

The difference between towering and cowering is totally a matter of inner posture.

We judge of a man's wisdom by his hope, knowing that the inexhaustibleness of nature is an immortal youth.

When you feel in love with an ex, it isn't that you still love him, but that you are simply stuck in the idea of what YOU did wrong.