I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

You've won the evolutionary lottery: You're a vampire. Let's go to Disneyland!

Humans do not proceed in an orderly fashion from one scene to the next. Memory lies underneath happenstance

Let's do 150 stops. Let's go to 75 universities, and let's spread this gospel of Internet entrepreneurship everywhere we go.

The Deer Hunter is securely on my list of American movie events, by which I mean those films that aspired to the whole equation, to be show business and art at the same time.

Contact with the affairs of state is one of the most corrupting of the influences to which men are exposed.

I don't have to be glamorous all the time.

Making a request without revealing the feeling/need takes all the joy out of other's service.

As a 29-year-old, the only thing that I can possibly think is that if I'm still performing at 50, it's because I'll have had disastrous marriages and I have to pay for them.

The only thing you can do with your life is give it away. The best, happiest moments in your life are always when you're giving something away.