I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of Whole Lotta Love.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

She asked if I loved another woman, so I answered honestly and said, “Dinner was great, but I could go for dessert.

I’m Power Because LOVE is Power.

Disclosure without therapy is the second rape of the child.

When you realize the value of all life, you dwell on what is past and concentrate more on the preservation of the future.

Prayer is the slender nerve that moves the muscle of omnipotence.

I want you to know, at this very moment, I am simulating normal human behavior.

Obviously I'm not 21 anymore, but I think I can still throw with anybody.

I'm trying to make sure that there's comedy as well as sadness. It makes the sadness more memorable.

That's why I love fighting, because I get to have a big battle every couple months to make up for the little battles I have to forfeit every day

There is presumably a calendar date a moment when the onus of proof passed from the atheist to the believer, when, quite suddenly, secretly, the noes had it.