I think the comedy clubs tend to homogenize the acts a little bit, because they force them to be palatable in way too many environments.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

I saw a giraffe with a short neck That was sad Or a deer

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

Learn to Lose, Wade to Win.

What the Spanish War began the World War accomplished: America became the world's banker and ceased to be the world's pioneer!

Until it's understood to involve justice for those in poverty, a future for generations yet unborn, and a commitment to the rest of creation, it's unlikely we'll be able to overcome the status quo.

When you have a lot of resources, the most important thing is to have had good parents and to have been brought up by people who gave one the proper values.

We have no basis for having a recall of any particular type of voting equipment because there are no standards. And when we do have standards, even these standards are required to be voluntary.

Never confuse desire with vision. Desire has to do with what we want. Vision has to do with what we need.

We are kept out of the Garden by our own fear and desire in relation to what we think to be the goods of our life.

You can't always be demanding solidarity from others and then refuse to show it yourself.

I have always advised people never to apply for a job you do not really want.

If I am young, then you should look not to age but to deeds.