I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Arrogant men with knowledge make more noise from their mouth than making a sense from their mind.

I know a great number of things, though never all at once or for very long.

Stop apologizing and censoring yourself, you have every right to feel the way you do. Your feelings, your struggles, your emotions are all valid.

Follow your bliss and let the magic of life happen.

Well, I'm celebrating the fact that Republicans are doing better with women.

[Barack] Obama, he'll be out of office soon and, frankly,[Donald] Trump relies on him .

If you're going to invest in an Internet stock, you must be a long-term investor.

There is no such thing as the pursuit of happiness, but there is the discovery of joy.

The attention of the media is only caught by acts of violence... so I must perform this act of violence against myself.

Lord of the Rings, I think, is far and away the most brilliantly done stuff.