I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Memory is a few lines snipped from a larger story that we are privileged to tuck away between the pages of our minds.

A celebrity's body is an advertiser's canvas.

He was the mildest manner'd man That ever scuttled ship or cut a throat.

If the children acquiesce, they may learn to suppress their anger to avoid retribution. But the rage remains inside, often just below the surface.

You can't criticize people for wanting to have a decent life or wanting to live decently.

I have decided not to run for president.

Of course, we know that not everyone agrees with assisted suicide, but people might agree that one has the right to it, even if they're not themselves going to exercise it.

Meditation makes the man Divine and brings the Divine to the world of man.

The makers of '21 and Over' have been screening it, and I'm getting a lot of comparisons to a young Vince Vaughn.

I don’t want to be special. I don’t want to look special. I’m happy with just ‘me’