I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you're probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

You touch me again, you arrogant Ardenine swine, and I swear on the blood of Hanalea the warrior, I will geld you. Do you understand?

What does despair mean to someone who interprets that emotion as a chemical reaction in the brain?

Now see, if it were me, I wouldn’t have led with that. I would’ve gone with something like ‘G’day’ or ‘Wow, aren’t you a little hottie?

It is sound judgment to hope that in the not too distant future we shall be competent to understand so simple a thing as a star.

No more war! Never again war! If you wish to be brothers, drop your weapons.

My mother always said I must be part Mongolian because of my lotus-pale complexion and squid-ink black hair.

... the progress of the language has caused us to lose many old treasures. It is thus with all progress, and one must make the best of it.

Life insurance companies are failing to pay out death benefits when they know the person is dead, and they're claiming they don't know.

Music always brings great things and makes me meet amazing people. It's amazing.

I had nightmares about what Poseidon might turn me into if I were on the verge of death-plankton maybe." -Percy Jackson