I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican.

Paul McCartney's dad told him that when he was a kid. "Son, play the piano and when you go to parties, the girls will come to you."

It is not known why the Lord made the human body as he did, since one might suppose that omnipotence could have made it such as would not have shocked the nice people.

One thing you can't do to a fan is change their heart about somebody.

If you are not ready to face opposition then you are not ready to be used by God.

I am not a historian. I am a writer obsessed with remembering, with remembering the past

Heaven help me for the way I am, save me from these evil deeds before I get them done.

To be honest with you, I (would) much rather play basketball and not be famous.

Daniel supposed he had a secret life. Most people did; it was hardly possible to live without one.

People who are wise, good, smart, skillful, or hardworking don't need politics, they have jobs.

Be it jewel or toy, not the prize gives the joy, but the striving to win the prize.