I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.

Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Sometimes you have to wander a bit, and do what you don't want to in order to figure out what it is you're supposed to do.

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone

A “No Excuses” mindset in your family stems directly from your personal growth. If you are not growing as a person, the first impact will affect your family.

In my entire life, I never once heard either of my parents say they were stressed. That was just not a phrase I grew up being allowed to say. That, and the concept of "Me time".

Few are they who have never had the chance to achieve happiness ... and fewer those who have taken that chance.

I talk, watch TV, spout opinions, schmooze, negotiate, talk some more, play games, and have a little cocktail.

Do what is right because it is right; and leave it alone.

These disorders - schizophrenia, Alzheimer's, depression, addiction - they not only steal our time to live, they change who we are.

You look at the Pyramids. They're not one fraction of an inch off in terms of their alignment. They were built without a bonding agent.

You feel better in the short run when you have a tub of ice cream, but in the long run, you don't.

Chelsea look like they've got a couple more gears left in the locker.

Last scene of all that ends this strange, eventful history, is second childishness and mere oblivion. I am sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.