I think when you take off that jacket and they see that ‘I LOVE GRANDMA’ T-shirt, they’re going to rip your heart out.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.

It doesn't bother me that I'm not a household word on the East Coast. Baton Rouge, Raleigh, Minneapolis - I'm so popular in these cities where you've never imagined an East Coast comedian working.

Why not whip the teacher when the pupil misbehaves?

The crown of life is neither happiness nor annihilation it is understanding.

I didn't want to be a cheerleader, and when you're young and you're blonde that's kind of thrust upon you whether you like it or not.

Being nonconfrontational allows people to feel like they can say anything they want.

If Muslims curse the Christians, then the Christians will curse the Muslims. And people will curse Allah, and Allah will hold us responsible for that.

Have you ever considered that there isn't a safe time to be around you?

I answer, Socrates, that rhetoric is the art of persuasion in courts of law and other assemblies, as I was just now saying, and about the just and unjust.

In the one branch he most needed

I prefer to just jump into something instead of put it on the back burner, and I suppose that's how I deal with most challenging things. I'd rather just attack it head-on.

I love hats, I'm such a fan of hats. You don't wear a fascinator everywhere you go, but there are ways to incorporate old Hollywood nuances into your looks today but also edge it up.