I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Do not be frightened, friend. Let us dance our way to God.

You crave chaos. You're happiest when the world is in an uproar. You thrive on madness. Even when your magic is at its best when it's the catalyst to confusion. You still can't admit this?

I think the issue of marriage is a vitally important issue on which I would campaign heavily.

I don't want to attach myself to everything.

This bank-note world.

Not a moment passes these days without fresh rushes of academic lemmings off the cliffs they proclaim the political responsibilities of the critic, but eventually all this moralizing will subside.

Without question, purity is beautiful. We're not talking about repression or prudishness, but about having a confident and serene sense of your dignity and worth.

I think all any artist or person wants to do is grow spiritually, emotionally, professionally and mentally.

Part of my job is to make the tough calls.

The passion of rescue reveals the highest dynamic of the human soul.