I thought I'd blown it at the 17th when I drove into a trap. God is a Mexican.

My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.

Pressure is playing for ten dollars when you don't have a dime in your pocket.

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

I'm going to win so much money this year, my caddie will make the top twenty money-winners list.

The older I get, the better I used to be.

You're Mexican until you make money and then you're Spanish.

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.

She's mad, but she's magic. There's no lie in her fire.

Willpower and determination have their limits. A compelling life purpose, one you believe God created you for, will help you push beyond those limits

One doesn't fall in love... one digs a hole for himself to trip in... claiming he didn't see it coming

To have a cricket on the hearth is the luckiest thing in all the world!

I hope there is nothing about me that people have a big problem with. You know, I like to think of myself as lovable.

Shapeshifter parenting motto—if your kid slit somebody's throat, always have a backup plan to make the body disappear.

Bad habits are our enemies because they hinder us from being the person we want to be.

If you take something like the slave-auction sketch, the warmth of the light gives it a crisp 12 Years a Slave look. And your eye tells your brain, "I should be taking this seriously."

He also chooses his enemies.

People are really hesitant about expressing that they don't know something - but what's the big deal? I'm not ashamed about that at all.