I thought I was funny as a kid.

By puberty I learned that nothing worth having could be easily attained and to succeed one must be single minded.

As long as we prioritize material truths over spiritual truths we will live in tyranny because we are living an illusion

You must not feel persecuted and examined. Liberate yourself from the idea that people are watching you.

The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing.

People say you should read your criticism because it will make you a better person but it doesn't. It just makes you a sad bitter old showbiz nightmare.

I get fixated when I'm bleeding -- I can see why they went in for blood-letting in the medieval times because it makes you feel a bit better. When I cut myself, the drama of it calms me down.

A library doesn't need windows. A library is a window.

There are two types of people in this world: one who opens a packet of biscuits, has one and puts the rest back in the cupboard, and one who eats the whole packet in one go.

The bad-boy label is just an assumption.

There are 10-20 times more male comics than female comics; it's something to do with the social structure of society.

The corpse opened his eyes.

Education illuminates us with the lights of knowledge and wisdom.

A legacy is not about what you did while you were there it is what happens when you are gone

If you want to write something of length, however modern and radical, you must live the life of an elderly gentleman of the 1950s.

Woodstock was about the closest thing to anarchy I've ever seen in my whole life, and I didn't like it.

I'm a firm believer that everything in life works out the way it's supposed to. And who knows? I figure I've got a few years left (in the NHL) and maybe I can come back in the end.

Religion often is misused for purely power-political goals, including war.

I never had stock endings. I didn't believe in stock endings. To make the [reader] happy was not my objective, but to make the [reader] say, "Yeah, that's what would happen" - that was my objective.

Heaven forbids, it is true, certain gratifications, but there are ways and means of compounding such matters.

That is one more reason why I write in English only right now. I prefer writing in the language I hear around me for the people by whom I am surrounded.