I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

The poor are not allowed to own thoughts, he told his young son.

Justice is to be found only in imagination.

It is unrealistic to want to be happy all the time.

Winners bring reality up to their vision. Losers bring their vision down to reality.

I, Lawrence Klein, was born in Omaha, Nebraska, as were my elder brother and younger sister.

The wise through excess of wisdom is made a fool.

I figure I write for people who are intelligent enough to do some labor. Lazy readers are not my ideal readers.

We spend too much time hiding illness.

Keep in mind that I'm crazy, won't you?

We believe what we see.’...What do you do when you’re in the dark?