I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

The thrill of theft, of violence, the urge to live easy - is it worth it when we have undeniable proof, yes, yes, incontrovertible evidence that hell exists?

If you have an imagination, welcome to the gates of Reality.

This night he was a king before he was a man. At this time, this troubled me. Later, I would have cause to wish it were always so.

God is all-powerful.God is all-capable.God is all-knowing.

The human brain has a marvelous capacity to screen and sort experience, protecting itself against the unbearable.

Comedy, if it's done well, can reflect the mood of a nation. It can be a mirror to who we are, what we believe in, what we are like.

Loneliness is lessened when you're lonely by choice.

Most of us would be far enough from vanity if we heard all the things that are said about us.

Skills come with age, but wisdom, I doubt it very, very much.

Just because you've reached a certain level of success, that doesn't mean you've become corrupted by the system.