I thought to myself, "Join the army!" It's free. So I figured while I'm here I'll lose a few pounds.

As long as you can savor the humorous aspect of misery and misfortune, you can overcome anything.

I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!

Six bucks and my right nut says we're not landing in Chicago.

If you're not happy without it, you'll never be happy with it.

Wherever you go in the world, you just have to say you're Canadian and people laugh

Who wants an orange whip? Orange whip? Orange whip? Three orange whips.

You know, the finest line a man will walk is between success at work and success at home.

I know what I have to do if I want to lose weight and stay healthy: eat a proper diet and exercise. All I've got to do is apply it.

I'm the one who has to look in the mirror, and after a while it begins to eat at you.

Like your job. Love your wife.

Eyes that are blind have no way to tell the loveliness of faces and features

Confusion now hath made his masterpiece.

I never thought the orchestra should be big.

I have some good stories yet to tell.

The U.S. is a Government which to bigotry gives no sanction, to persecution no assistance.

I'm not very good at multi-tasking. Most people aren't, but they think they are. The mind is really better when you're really focused on one thing.

Power without guilt, love without doubt.

Violence stops thought. Hence its popularity as a pain-killer.

In my opinion, he only may be truly said to live and enjoy his being who is engaged in some laudable pursuit, and acquires a name by some illustrious action, or useful art.

I love Vegas. It's like going to Disneyland.