I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

The hidden strength is too deep a secret. But in the end...in the end it is our only ally.

A man who accustoms himself to buy superfluities is often in want of necessities.

Old age is the verdict of life.

The experience of reading a comic should not be the time it takes to turn each page.

Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out.

Happiness is the most elusive thing for human beings to find.

Hope, like despair, is something of a distraction: it gets in the way of a clear view of the horizon.

To swear, except when necessary, is becoming to an honorable man. [Lat., In totum jurare, nisi ubi necesse est, gravi viro parum convenit.]

To be religious is not to feel, but to be.

Everyone is psychic to some degree, and really successful paranormal investigators even if they do not realize it are using their own psychic ability to sense the environment.