I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Poetry is prose bewitched, a music made of visual thoughts, the sound of an idea.

Finding the right one is never easy. Especially, when the wrong one looks so right.

A man's palate can in time become accustomed to anything.

President Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today Hawaii's governor said, 'Great, who's going to want to come to Hawaii now?'

I always stayed in tune with my own ambitions and attitudes and I'm still my intractable old self, for better or worse.

We have to be the change we want in the world.

My grandmother had this high-tech security system - a rusty nail she used to lock the door.

To be courageous , you have to have an army of people holding you.

Rappers can't sleep, need sleepin', B.I.G. keep creepin', Bullets heat-seekin', Casualties need treatin', Dumb rappers need teachin'.

I think we have a moral obligation to our children that can be easily summarized: number one, protect them from harm.