I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Don’t be controlled by the tradition of men

I didn't know that the world could be so mind-blowingly beautiful.

The beach was empty and dark but she couldn't hear her fear over the call of the surf.

The clever people at CERN are smashing particles together in the hope that Doctor Who will turn up and tell them to stop

I think the interesting aspect of life is that you're always sort of in the middle. You're never the youngest and you're never the oldest.

If a guy is gonna to play good bop, he has to have a sort of a bop soul.

I'm totally within the music. I'M LOST.

Faith means the will to avoid knowing what is true.

With socialized medicine, the trick is not to die while waiting for treatment.

I'm from the bottom, I understand what it's like to have and to not have. My perception on giving is to put yourself in those people's shoes and go from there. So that's what I did.