I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

JOY goes against the foundations of mathematics: it multiplies when we divide.

You can’t be a self-leader if you are an enemy to yourself. Stop the hatred and love yourself.

If you are losing faith in human nature, go out and watch a marathon.

I have always been happy to have daughters rather than sons. You never really can be mad at girls for anything in life.

You have all died many times before and none of you look the worse for it.

There is an intimate connection between the life of the Christian here and the enjoyment and the glory in the day of Christ's appearing.

Be fascinated instead of frustrated.

We all have an infant inside of us, but the infant doesn't have to run the show.

He in whose mind is no anger, hatred, or envy, who never loses his balance, dies, or is born, who is he but God?

I play tough guys in movies and behaved like one in front of the press because I thought that was what a man did.