I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

No one lives long in a war.

...or perhaps about acknowledging that life is a delicate balance of great forces, and that good would lose its potency if there was no evil left to fight in the world.

I bear no grudges. I have a mind that retains nothing.

I don't think voters give a hoot about the character of their political advisors, except to the extent that character reflects on the candidates.

There is a polarizing and dualistic experience occurring politically and economically in the world, and I believe we are near the peak of a cyclical and truly chaotic time.

In every movie I do have a dialogue.

The greenhouse scene! It was just so fun to have the romance and the action.

I have several videos on my phone that I’ve never released. Having dance parties in our car, don’t be jealous!

The Past, the Future, O dear, is from you; you should regard both these as one.

Life in the Middle East is quite different from other places.