I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.

I wish I knew what it was like, to find a place where I belong.

By sight and observation and thought, with the help of the camera, and the addition of the date of the year, we can hold fast the history of the world.

Most true musicians don't do it for the money, they do it because they love it. When I did slam poetry, it was a great way for me to express myself, I loved it.

It's important to keep life simple, and if I'm traveling, I only can do a couple of things, and those are the things that I'm meant to be doing.

I wonder what fool it was that first invented kissing.

When the emperor is crowned or the three dukes are appointed, rather than sending a gift of jade carried by four horses, remain still and offer the Way.

In matters of government, justice means force as well as virtue.

So your first job is to work on yourself. The greatest thing you can do for another human being is to get your own house in order and find your true spiritual heart.

A diamond cannot be polished without friction, nor a person perfected without trials. Someone is enjoying shade today because someone planted a tree a long time ago.

Artists speak to a different part of us, bypassing the cloudy filter of reason and the fears and prejudices of the habitual mind.