I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

We already live on the planet of war, we already live on the red planet, and it's a war against children. All the other wars are just the shadows of the war on children.

Matthew would not like this, she had said. He would have liked it even less had he know how much Strike had liked it.

Always let life be wild. Forever have life be interesting.

I love '70s organic architecture. I am very influenced by the time when I grew up.

Science is the outcome of being prepared to live without certainty and therefore a mark of maturity. It embraces doubt and loose ends.

The only thing you find in the middle of the road are dead animals and dumb Americans.

There's usually some process by which a potentially great idea gets prostituted into something lacklustre, or by which the wrong idea gets put forward.

Everybody had to be thoroughly understood before being accepted.

All the most prominent Darwinists proclaim naturalistic philosophy when they think it safe to do so.

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.