I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.

Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Sometimes you have to wander a bit, and do what you don't want to in order to figure out what it is you're supposed to do.

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone

People often think I'm a faker, but I'm usually honest, in a certain way--in such a way that often nobody believes me!

Like everyone, I have my challenges—but they sure don’t have me.

The true measure of success isn't winning, it's whether you won & could actually deliver.

Education ought to foster the wish for truth, not the conviction that some particular creed is the truth.

Our ideas, like orange-plants, spread out in proportion to the size of the box which imprisons the roots.

Give me a good sharp knife and a good sharp cheese and I’m a happy man.

When a man asks himself what is meant by action he proves he isn't a man of action.

When we understand the other fellow's viewpoint - understand what he is trying to do - nine times out of ten he is trying to do right.

Sail on, sail on, o' might Ship of State. To the shores of need, past the reefs of greed, through the squalls of hate. Sail on, sail on, sail on.

The thing that comes most frequently to me on yoga retreats is excruciating pain in my hips.