I travel fairly lightly because you have to these days. I always take a laptop and an iPod so I can watch movies and listen to music. And my Gameboy. That's a good time-killer.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

Among all the nonsense, mistakes, and bad ideas we come up with, maybe some truth will sneak in.

If you tell me I'm sensible in addition to normal and wise, I'm going to punch you in the stomach.

I am good at keeping secrets. I am wrapped in them now, the way I am wrapped in lies, like my sweater, clinging tightly to my skin, even on the hottest of days.

I've always maintained - a captain is only as good as his team. It is not about my leadership, it is not about me.

Now my body is really womanly - a little too much so. It's someting I can fall back on. When I don't know what else to do, I stick my chest out.

Most illogical Irrational nature of our womanhood, That blushes one way, feels another way, And prays, perhaps another!

I do wish that people talked about the subject of race, especially in the South.

Many people have ideas on how others should change; few people have ideas on how they should change.

Okay," he said. He took a breath. "What would you do, if you could do anything?" I took a step toward him, closing the space between us. "This." I said. And then I kissed him.

I've always maintained that I don't think comedy should be reviewed. I think it's un-reviewable, because it is so subjective.