I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Discipline leads us to desire, which matures into delight.

The very idea of freedom presupposes some objective moral law which overarches rulers and ruled alike.

My parents didn't really know one another.

[On bebop years] All I did was sing 'How High the Moon.' It seemed like the only song I ever sang.

There is nothing worse than annotated humour.

I was working at this club in downtown L.A. from four to eight at night, just Eddie Rubin, the drummer, and I.

The hardest part of writing is not to get the ideas but to remember, why it is important to get them.

We are all illusionists and that's why we are attracted to drag queens. This whole world is an illusion. It's not real.

I never really like it when other writers talk about coming in behind people and rewriting.

Plan for pleasure for each and every day.