I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

The web of trust is built at eye level, peer to peer.

I have come to the conclusion that whether or not a person is a religious believer does not matter. Far more important is that they be a good human being.

Suspend judgment until you see the end of the situation.

People search for love as if it were a city lost beneath the desert dunes, where pleasure is the law, the streets are lined with brocade cushions, and the sun never sets.

I would do anything to be around music. You don't even have to pay me.

I've always had an underdog perspective.

I never ever Google myself. That way madness lies.

Nothing holds us back but our thoughts.

You all sound like a bunch of ducks! What? What? What? What? Shut up while I'm talking!

Naturally there will come a time, when I will have to say goodbye, but I've soul-searched and this is not the time.