I try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can.

Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling.

If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.

If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them.

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

It is better to listen to a crow that lives in trees than to a learned man who lives only in ideas.

maybe silent hurting is the new Mid-Western love

I asked a coughing friend of mine why he doesn't stop smoking. "In this town it wouldn't do any good " he explained. "I happen to be a chain breather."

Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use two people remembering the same thing.

Like beautiful homes, cute babies, or noble careers helping others, books can make us feel like we mean something positive, and in gratitude, we truly love them.

Be kind to everyone, and don't leave yourself out of the equation.

Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.

I saw the crown of France laying on the ground, so I picked it up with my sword.

The world will be solved by millions of small things.

We bore ourselves in order to earn money that we'll later spend on trying to de-bore ourselves