I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Be ye kind one to another.

Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos!

Oaths are not the credit of men but men of oaths.

From a pure heart anything can be accomplished. If you ask what the universe is doing, it is eavesdropping on your every desire.

So, how did you all meet?

To die with honor when one can no longer live with honor.

Nothing save divine power is capable of doing so much for man as he can for himself.

If Man retained faith in God, he might also retain faith in Man.

Our existing media system today is the direct result of government laws and subsidies that created it.

When you shoot a bow and arrow, you aim at the clouds, not because you expect to hit them, but so that you may reach the distant target on the ground.