I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Knowing who you are is more valuable than having ten 'friends' who don't even know who they are, but who judge you anyway.

Make yourself your role model, because people who do not have qualities depend on the qualities of others to shape their own qualities.

There’s real evil, Mr Honey. Not that existential crap, either.

I read daft history books. Sometimes the books I read are a bit crackers or strange.

My main problem is that over and over again, I try to get all my characters to say stuff that I think is so witty or erudite you know, so that everybody will go.

I'm very interested in how idealistic young people can get caught up in all sorts of systems of extreme belief, you know, whether it's cults or whether it's suicide bombers.

Don't write too much. Concentrate your sweat on one story, rather than dissipate it over a dozen.

I had this wonderful, supportive mother who didn't get mad because of all the earth mucking up my bed. She just said they'd die - they needed the earth.

Die trying" is the proudest human thing.

It is mostly with your blood, Gala that I paint my pictures