I turned down a date once because I was looking for someone a little closer to the top of the food chain.

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide?

What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks.

Friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you.

Love Goddess in training. It could happen.

I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.

I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.

You can't get a body like mine in a bottle unless you push real hard.

My work is a mitzvah for the eyes & ears...and it will help you forget about your problems by thinking about mine for a change!

I am more comfortable doing comedy, and I want to perform comedy. When you can really make someone laugh, that's a healing experience. It's like music. A lot of music is really healing.

Humor is the honey in my tea.

I want to make a policy statement. I am unabashedly in favor of women.

Trying to hit Phil Niekro is like trying to eat jello with chopsticks. Sometimes you get a piece but most of the time you get hungry.

The secret of not having worries, for me at least, is to have ideas.

My mom's a chemist, so she's pretty smart. I love technology and I can handle myself around a computer.

We called him Barney for short. We couldn't use his real name, there wasn't time.

I dont mean to insult television, but a lot of the time, its pretty straightforward. If you say, I love you, you mean I love you. There isnt time for anything more.

Sugar and sand may be mixed together, but the ant rejects the sand and goes off with the sugar grain; so pious men lift the good from the bad.

The only nonpartisan people are those who are dead.

Scars on the back are a swordsman’s shame.