I understand that if you're a kid in Indonesia, you need to smoke because you just got off work at the Nike factory.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

When kindness is your religion, then caring is your prayer.

There are moments of life that we never forget, which brighten and brighten as time steals away.

I want to tell Jamaica, Happy 50th Anniversary.

For other nations, utopia is a blessed past never to be recovered; for Americans it is just beyond the horizon.

We are a nation of laws. And nobody can ignore our Constitution. No one's above the law. And that includes the president of the United States.

Kids love to be silly, they love to laugh, so I think it was natural for my kids to like the sort of books that I write - and it's the only kinds of books I'm capable of writing.

Following celebrities or people you don't regularly see in person often doesn't add to our happiness. The best use of social media is to deepen existing close relationships or create new ones.

I've been more conscious of my salt intake, sugar intake, making sure I'm not eating as many processed foods.

It is not easy to get rich in Las Vegas, at Churchill Downs, or at the local Merrill Lynch office.

My personal telephone book is a book of the dead now. I'm so old. Almost all of my friends have died, and I don't have the guts to take their names out of the book.