I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Every villain is a hero in his own mind.

Maybe there is some Abnegation in everyone. Well in everyone but Peter."-Tris Prior

...to give a clear picture of the whole scene of Italian gastronomy.

He himself was almost never bored, and there was no man with whom it would have been a greater mistake to suppose that silence meant displeasure.

Every choice has its consequences. Some more than others

My life has been awaiting you. Your footfall was my own heart's beat.

Two hundred million Americans, and there ain't two good catchers among 'em.

I'm proud of most of the stuff I've put out and I hope my kids will look at it long after I'm gone and go, "hey, Daddy was cool once!"

Power may be at the end of a gun, but sometimes it's also at the end of the shadow or the image of a gun.

The philosophic aim of education must be to get each one out of his isolated class and into the one humanity.