I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

The English love an insult. It's their only test of a man's sincerity.

As long as you look for a Buddha somewhere else, you'll never see that your own mind is the Buddha

We must preserve our right to think and differ.

I'm doing what I do for the right reasons. I love the music that I make.

It kind of sounds like the noise a goat would make if you punched it in the face.

It's all good when we making love, all I ask is don't take our love for granted, it's granted.

If you want to be called a dwarf you must be in immediate possession of a battle axe cause otherwise your just a midget with an attitude.

Success is on the far side of failure.

My wife and I always enjoy going for a jog.