I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Women, by their nature, are not exceptional chess players: they are not great fighters.

Releasing the invisible ties to those who have left you, betrayed you, disappointed you or hurt you, you open up to higher realms of love, peace and joy.

The ego is a fascinating monster.

I was more alone than if I had been alone.

By finding the courage to be ourselves, we gain the power to make a difference.

And joy is always a promise.

Oh! Stars and clouds and winds, ye are all about to mock me; if ye really pity me, crush sensation and memory; let me become as nought; but if not, depart, depart, and leave me in darkness.

Anyway I know only too well that all life is nothing but a brief reprieve from death.

O woman! lovely woman! Nature made thee To temper man: we had been brutes without you.

In life, we always fall for the person who will never fall for us, always want things we can't have, and say things we shouldn't.