I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

If you believe that life should be full of adventure, then you have to willing to let your kids have them, too.

A bookshelf is a biography written by others.

Identify confident people whom you admire and respect and notice what they do differently to project such confidence. Learn by observing role models.

Do you think your people struggle with being true to themselves? Do their values match up with their work?

Leadership requires the courage to make decisions that will benefit the next generation.

He that cannot reason is a fool.

There's a lot of negative things trying to pull people down, and I think people respond when you tell them that hey, there are good things up ahead.

[After Communism succeeds] ...then, there will come a peace across the earth.

An emotion is both a mental and a physical event.

I think that Brighton, for a crime writer, is almost like a character.