I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

The Sabbath day of rest establishes the reality that God's people live by God's grace and not by their own labors.

I think I do better when I sing.

Zen doesn't believe in the reconciliation of opposites because from the point of view of Zen, there is no point of view.

You must consider that there is opposition from other human beings and also non-physical forces that don't want you to succeed.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Customs represent the experience of mankind.

When everything around you seems bleak, sick and empty - the antidote is forgiveness and love of yourself, and others, plus a dollop of gratitude.

Fight piracy; don't squash innovation.

It's better to work with a nice category containing some nasty objects, than a nasty category containing only nice objects.

Nick! Wait!” – Kyrian ‘Wait, my gluteus maximus. Vampire was shy of a few quarts of blood if he thought Nick had any intention of not going Casper on him.’ – Nick