I used to go to the library all the time when I was kid. As a teenager, I got a book on how to write jokes at the library, and that, in turn, launched my comedy career.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.

I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.

Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

You are intelligent if you know what you do not know.

The right honorable gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests, and to his imagination for his facts.

As long as other people's opinions matter more than your own, you're owned by them. You're not even free.

The sacred moment, cannot be substitute for either yesterday or tomorrow.

All children think unkindly of their parents at some time or another

The business of America is not business. Neither is it war. The business of america is justice and securing the blessings of liberty.

I respect every way in which you are a troublemaker, now get up and do what your mother says.

Nothing overshadows truth so much as authority.

How a man perceives substance dictates the amount of substance in a man. To know the depth of anyone's true substance, simply measure the weight of what consumes and excites their inner drive.

It is the end. But of what? The end of France? No. The end of kings? Yes.