I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.

I would just like to say that after all these years of heavy drinking, bright lights and late nights, I still don't need glasses. I drink right out of the bottle.

If you subtracted all of the great artists who never drank, who never went to excess, you wouldn't have any more art left. What kind of poem are you gonna get out of a glass of iced tea?

The perfect woman has an IQ of 150, wants to make love until 4 in the morning, then turns into a pizza!

When I die, sprinkle my ashes over the 80's.

I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault and I have no faults.

Remember, life is just a game and no one gets out alive

If you want to split a bottle with a friend, then Sammy Hagar is your guy. If you want to split your friend with a bottle than give me a call.

If you put a Van Halen album in your record collection, it will melt all the rest of your records.

He who knows how will always work for he who knows why.

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.

All men are made one for another: either then teach them better or bear with them.

An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind.

I like the brand Band of Outsiders. Their suits are cut really slim, for smaller framed gentlemen.

Life is a maze of doors and they all open from the side you're on. Just keep on pushing hard boy, try as you may, you're going to wind up where you started from.

Nowadays, suicide is just a way of disappearing. It is carried out timidly, quietly, and falls flat. It is no longer an action, only a submission.

...motherhood should be like driving a car -- you should have to pass a test before you can do it legally.

What sells a book sells a book, same in traditional or self-publishing . You gotta shake your tail feathers.

What the soul is in the body, let Christians be in the world.

If God is treated as God during suffering, then suffering can reveal and present him in all his greatness.