I used to like writing for comedians - I enjoyed the challenge of making other people funny.

It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan it's when you discover that your wife left you in May.

There's an unseen force which lets birds know when you've just washed your car.

If all the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players, where do all the audiences come from?

It's like your children talking about holidays, you find they have a quite different memory of it from you. Perhaps everything is not how it is, but how it's remembered.

And when you're on your own there is that terrifying possibility that you may be the only person on the planet who thinks it's funny - and you have no way of finding out.

If the laughter of the audience was malicious we wouldn't show it.

You know you're getting old when a four-letter word for something pleasurable two people can do in bed together is R-E-A-D.

What is a harp but an oversized cheese slicer with cultural pretensions?

Middle age is when, whenever you go on holiday, you pack a sweater.

A counter tenor is anyone who can count to ten.

When Jesus needed friends, they left Him.

For the moment we might very well can them DUNNOS (for Dark Unknown Nonreflective Nondetectable Objects Somewhere).

No. No way. That name is reserved for females with grace and elegance, not this girl. This girl is...beastly.

Cease trying to work everything out with your minds, it will get you nowhere.

I get involved with projects based on three parameters - the script, the actors involved and the director.

Intelligence plus experience creates ideas, and experimentation with that form of chemistry-the contact of ideas with events-is the field of adult education.

I'm a method actress in my songs, which is why it's hard to sing them.

If you don't like your wrinkles and you think Botox or surgery is going to fix it, do it and shut up. But don't keep talking about it.

I'd stare up at the sky and just dream a lot. Still do. I dreamed that I didn't belong here, that I was going to travel a lot.

External practices have value only as helps to develop internal purity.