I used to make love to Green Day's music. But 9 minutes? I'm not Superman.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

I've been alone since my mom met Scott.He sucked the nectar from her heartlike a famished butterfly. No nurture, no nourishment left for Kristina.A vacation is a poor substitutefor love.

People needed proof that Utopia was nothing more than a theory, an illusion read in fictional stories.

Fun is not the same thing as fulfillment.

Spiritual counselling is helping people find the deep root of stillness in themselves, which is also a connection to everything else.

Give me but one hour of Scotland Let me see it ere I die.

We're so so interested in protecting criminals and people that want to do us harm and I think we have to go back to a little more old fashioned method of thinking, if that makes sense.

What men want is not talent, it is purpose; in other words, not the power to achieve, but the will to labor.

Be helpful to all who need your assistance, but don't overdo it. Over-helpfulness too often results in under-performance.

People should be afraid of the cancer, not the mammogram.

I just said to myself, 'Damn, I'm a great player.'