I used to play bass for a while and got to the point where I was good enough to be in a shitty band.

The thing is - I'm not an idiot. I'm rather intelligent, as proven by the fact that I just used the word 'rather' in a sentence.

Michael Jackson's charity efforts? Mmm. I'm sure they have nothing to do with his molestation charges.

I was told by a physician to avoid any line of work where people need to, um, depend on me for anything.

The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

America may be entering it’s Michael Jordan on the Wizards period.

There comes a point where the disappointments in your life accrue faster than you can find external forces to blame them on.

I haven't had a drink in twelve days and I've gotta say, I'm pretty shocked at how boring people are.

You rarely hear anyone use the word pancreas in a not-horrible context.

Canada, or as i call them, America Light.

Basically, I got into stand-up because I'm too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.

Twist a tongue, and tongue a twist how many twists can a tongue twister twist around the twisting tongue.

Whom the gods would destroy, they first subsidize.

I think there's always room for humor, especially when you're talking about really serious issues.

I think everybody should have the same anger towards the injustice that's happening and the hatred that's happening, and just fight it with love and compassion.

I don't believe anyone is ugly.

Art is a weapon for me, with which I can strike back.

Let's clear one thing up: Introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. We hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people.

A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners.

I realized, the older I get, the more difficult life becomes. It's not easier, it's more difficult.

Temperance is corporeal piety; it is the preservation of divine order in the body.