I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don't. The misery will come. The misery will find you.

To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.

Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich?

Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.

God's everywhere, but I gotta go down (to church) to see him? Really? And he's mad at me down there, and I owe you money?

Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you're thinking.

Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure.

My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.

Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.

I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.

Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.

You've got to grow up sometime.

Humanity’s greatest advances are not in its discoveries – but in how those discoveries are applied to reduce inequity.

You can't be a bad boy without somebody scolding you.

To love somebody is not just a strong feeling - it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise.

To play Cleopatra on Broadway would just be incredible.

Things that are impossible just take longer.

Whatever I'm reading at the moment seems to influence whatever I'm writing.

As a kid, I drew cartoon characters and comic book heroes. Spiderman and the X-Men were my favorites.

I realize that people need something to believe in.

Grow internally first. Strengthen your bottom line first before considering external growth.